I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
