The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize