dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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