I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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