just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
They have beer where we have blood.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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