hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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