yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
