if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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