I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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