he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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