I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
