I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
