It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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