There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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