I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
