operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
