Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
