if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
