BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Randomize
