I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
