She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
