Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
vagina is talking i cant
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
