my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
