Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
