sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
