Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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