So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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