Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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