"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I wish you could order shots online.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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