I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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