Swine flu. Run for my life!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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