Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
