I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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