Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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