when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
