There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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