Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
