Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
vagina is talking i cant
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
