Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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