i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
