He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
