Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
