Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
