Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
