Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
