He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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