he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
