I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
