Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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