I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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