i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
