why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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