He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
