i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
