My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
