Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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